I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that wouldn't screw to save its species. I wanted to open the dump valves on oil tankers and smother all the French beaches I'd never see. I wanted to breathe smoke.

Nighttime has always been my time. The period of time when I feel most like myself. In the brightness of the day the most beautiful things in the world look staged, as if they've only been put there to be beautiful. In the darkness of night there is no posing, no people to pose for. The only people I see in the night are the ones that don't know I'm there watching them. That's the only real way to see what a person is really like, watch them at night when they think they're alone. They don't smile and laugh or fix their hair, it's the only situation in which you'd see someone scratch their ass. Sometimes it feels like I'm a lion prowling among the tall grasses of some African savanna, eying clueless gentle gazelle. Usually I'll carry a knife just to feel the edge of it's blade when I see these gazelle, because then I know I hold their lives in my hands, if I wanted them to die they would. I am the apex predator, nothing hunts me.

But for the most part there is only me. I see no one and no one exists. The only sound I hear, the only sound in the world is the beating of my heart. Sometimes when I'm alone in the night I like to pretend that I'm alone, not alone as in being by myself, but truly alone, the last person on earth alone, post apocalyptic alone. It's a comforting thought. There would be no one to pretend for, no one to impress, no one to betray, no one betraying you. I would be released from all the things I hated. I would be free.

Then the sun rises and it's back to all the light and everything I hate.